Sniper and Scout vs The Engi
by Chaos242
Summary: Sniper and Scout are teamed up, much to their dislike, and put on a mission to hunt down the Engi who made the Robotic army that now threatens all of Mann Co.! Probably Oneshot.


For Kate

Sniper and Scout

"Piss off, you wanker." Growled Sniper as he left the main headquarters at Mann Co. Red base. The Scout buzzed and whipped around him like a hyperactive wasp, his sandman in one hand and a baseball in the other.

"Yeah, why don't you come over and say that to my face, tough guy?" taunted the scout as he zoomed a few feet away, juggling the bat and the ball, "I'm runnin' circles around you!"

Sniper growled again and rubbed his temples, "How in the blue north did I get stuck with this baseball totin' wombat?"

He briefly thought back to the mission assigned to him.

_A television screen blurred into life at the end of the long table. At first, Sniper thought he was staring down the nose of Cruella De Vil, and then he remembered that the less than human creature that was burning into him with greedy eyes was his boss. The toad-like woman spoke, and sniper immediately recognized the voice as the same one who pushed them forward in combat and yelled at them to take control points. This was the first time Sniper had ever laid eyes on the source of that clear, yet somehow condescending, voice and he suddenly wish that it would be the last. Sometimes women are more attractive when your imagination puts a body and a face to the voice, he thought with a chuckle._

"_Sniper!" the voice rang out, "Are you listening at all, or just staring down my-"_

_Sniper acting immediately, sensing impending doom would come if she finished he question, "No ma'am, I wouldn't even think o' doin' a thing like that! You're our head honcho, mate, er, ma'am."_

_Cruella gave a half smile, "I like your attentiveness, Sniper, which makes me almost pitiful to give you this mission._

_Sniper tensed up, pressing his hands to his hips and straightening his back. He'd seen combat on every single front of war that Mann Co. could think up, and had survived. From two-fort to Hoodoo he'd held the line alongside his brother's in arms. Those times had been bad, horrible, yet he'd survived them all even as the rest of the team burned. _

"_Sniper, this is a mission to not just defend our Red branch of Mann Co., but all of Mann Co. including the Blues." Continued Cruella, "I'll begin the debrief as soon as your partner arrives. He's running late again." She gave a roll of her eyes and sighed._

_Just then, the door shuttered open and Scout charged in, an aura of red trailing behind him as he threw the empty BONK! down and leapt onto the table, sliding forward until his nose touched the TV screen which Cruella shied just a bit back from._

"_HI MOM!" Cried Scout with a broad, dumb grin, "Been awhile, eh?"_

"_Hello Scout." Said Cruella with a grimace of disgust, "I see you're still a lazy bastard and a filthy drinker. Was that alcohol you had in your hand when you bust through the door so quickly?"_

"_No, Mom!" Scout's eyes were wide with fear as he leaned back and sat cross legged on the table in front of the TV, "It was just an energy drink!"_

_Cruella sized him up suspiciously before rubbing her temples as the beginnings of a headache formed, "Fine, kid, I'll trust you this one time, but if I catch you drinking…" Her eyes narrowed coldly on Scout, "I'll execute you."_

_Sniper swallowed nervously as a bead of sweat ran down his face. Did Scout think that Cruella was really his mother? Was it conceivable that this could be true?_

"_Ahem!" Cruella cleared her throat, "Now then, I'll begin the debriefing. Scout, please get off the table so I can speak to Sniper as well._

_Scout obeyed and got off the table, but started fidgeting with his hands before pulling out a piece of chewing gum and popping it into his mouth._

"_Sniper!" Cried out Cruella with a yowl, "Is that sweat on your face?"_

_Sniper suddenly became very, very afraid and quickly wiped the sweat from his face, "Sorry, Ma'am, the heat is up in 'ere an' it's hard for me to not sweat."_

_Cruella nodded, "Fine. Moving on, your mission is to eliminate this man."_

_A smart board behind the TV pumped an image of a Blu Engi with a gray, thin beard onto the screen. _

"_This man is a defector!" explained Cruella, "And is building a robotic army to assault Mann Co. as a whole. He no longer holds any affiliation or affection for either half of the company, and is a huge threat to everything Red team has strived to do over the past thirty years. He must be killed and his next wave of bots destroyed. Understand?"_

"_Yes Ma'am, just one question?" Said Sniper quickly, "Why do I need to take this speed ball wanker with me to kill one man?"_

_Cruella laughed horrible, sounding like dried out skin being ripped, "A good question, Sniper, and here's a good answer. Engi has holed up somewhere in northern Alaska. This is one of the windiest and coldest places on Earth, and even a Sniper of your caliber won't be able to figure out the wind's effect on your shots without a spotter."_

"_Well, I understand that wish-wash, Ma'am, but why does it have to be this wanker?" Sniper was quite confused by now, while Scout was wondering why anyone wouldn't want to spend a weekend alone with him._

"_Because nobody else is available." Said Cruella with a sigh, "Defect Engi has already deployed several thousand prototype platoons of his robotic replicas of our fighting force, and all of Blu AND Red Co. are working together to slow their advance towards Mann Works HQ, here. The war has begun, but if you two can take out the man who's sending in reinforcements, then we can end it quickly."_

"Hey, hey long gun!" said Scout annoyingly, breaking Sniper's flashback, "What's in those yellow jars your always throwin' at people?"

"Jarate? It's just a habit of mine. Do it when I'm bored." Said Sniper slowly, "You never know when a jar of piss can save ya life, mate."

Scout stopped running around and held his hands to his cheeks in fake surprise, "You pee in jars? What kinda sick freak are ya?"

"Oh shut ya trap, wanker, ya sound like me mum!" grumbled Sniper as they approached the teleporter which whirred to life and let out a small red mist haze

"I got to work with this freak?" complained Scout, "Un-friggin'-believable!"

Everything went red for a moment and then the landscape unfolded before them. White upon white upon yet more white, Scout screamed and covered his eyes, blinded by the artic colors. Sniper grunted and put on a pair of sunglasses while raising his rife to scan the area. Before he could even put the scope to his eye, Scout cried out.

"I see 'em! I see 'em!" Scout yelled with holding his hat and jumping up and down, "That quack mechanic, he's over there!"

"No way in bloody hell were you able to see anything." Said Sniper with disbelief as he continued raising his scope and immediately saw a Blu Engi standing in the middle of the ice field before them, "What the piss?"

"Toldja, piss for brains, I saw him." Scout crossed his arms and smirked, "He's the only thing out here that ain't whiter than a sheet a paper."

Sniper thought for a second and then let out a laugh, crisp and fluidly, and patted Scout on the shoulder, "You ain't half bad, son. Maybe you will be a decent spotter for me."

"Like I'd work for you, Jarate head!" cried Scout as he sprinted ahead, bat in hand, while yelling battle cries.

"…Wanker." Muttered Sniper as he took scope and fired at the Engi, who was holding a pair of binoculars. Sniper cursed as the wind took the bullet and pushed it a few yard to the left of his target.

"That old toad wasn't kidding about the wind here." Sniper said as he started trotting after Scout, who was almost half a mile ahead now. The Scout was almost at his target, maybe ten yards, when he fired the sandman ball at the Engi, who was already running away…slowly.

"Sandman's gonna make ya sleep hardhat!" cried the Scout as he leapt through the air, both hands holding the bat behind his head, ready to strike, "Forevah!"

Sniper gasped as the bat came down and the hardhat flew off the Engi. A recorded, static filled voice flowed from the Engi.

"Hoo Wee, would you look at that!" the recorded voice of the real Engi said out of the primitive robot Engi, "Looks like you guys ain't so dumb after all…or maybe you are since you just mistook a robot for a living person. Seriously, it's got glowing blue eyes and a wheel for legs."

Scout looked down and cursed. A unicycle style leg system taunted him as Sniper face palmed in the background.

"This is a real friggin' embarrassment!" yelled Scout as he kicked the robot Engi down, "Stupid metal head!"

"Calm your Roos, mate, this isn't over yet." Said Sniper as he put his hand on Scout's diminutive shoulder, "We'll catch the wanker soon. Look here, mate."

He pointed at the robot's small, half liter gas tank and smiled knowingly, "He's barely got enough gas for a mile of movement, maybe less considering how slowly he was rolling away from you. The real Engi's base must be within a mile of this area, not even!" He stuck his bushwacka into the gas tank and a few cups worth poured out. "He's within half a mile of here."

Scout did a 360 degree sweep of the area, squinting against the blinding white, "I don't see nothin' you lying Brit!"

"Aussie, wanker." Said Sniper bluntly, paying more attention to the vast white around him, "But I see your point. Unless…"

"What? You think you know where it is?"

Sniper dramatically drew his hand to his chin and his face scrunched in thought as more static poured out of the robot Engi.

"By the way," came the recorded voice of Engi, "My base is within half a mile and is hidden under all this snow. Just thought you might want to know."

Scout and Sniper stood with their jaw agape in surprise.

"You know, for someone who solves practical problems, you ain't very smart." Said Scout proudly

"Heard that." Replied the Robot Engi, "And I disagree, my hat does not make me look bald. In fact, I have a full head of hair underneath it. Also, you really need to be workin' on yer manners around yer elders…"

The recording droned on and on until Sniper got tired of it and shot the speaker off.

"Bloody wanker, I'm gonna string you up from your own entails if I get the chance."

"Wow paly! That was pretty dark." Said Scout as he backed away from Sniper slowly, "You feelin' alright?"

Sniper grinned and licked his knife theatrically before coughing from the gasoline that was still on the blade.

"Hey wait…" thought Sniper as he looked from the knife to the spilt gasoline and smirked as he lit a match off his grizzly cheek, "Feel the heat of the outback, ya piss poor engineer!"

Flames sprouted up and snow became water, three yards melted away and then the descending fire hit metal.

"Jenga!" exclaimed Sniper as he poured more snow down to snuff out the fire, unsuccessfully.

"That ain't how you put out a fire, you freak!" said Scout as he pulled the tab on a can of Bonk! and poured it down onto the fire. A mushroom cloud of flame shot a few hundred feet into the air, singeing the five-o-clock shadow from Sniper's face. Scout was on one foot with his other limbs in front of his face defensively.

"Holy crapsicles!" Yelled Scout as the plume of flame subsided; he dropped the empty can of Bonk! and whimpered.

"What the blood hell was in that can?!" said Sniper, "If you been drinking stuff that does that, then I fear for your health, mate…"

"Yeah…me too." Articulated Scout as he leapt down into the hole, through four feet of melted steel, he let out a whistle, "Friggin' unbelievable!"

"Beaut!" remarked Sniper as he leapt in after Scout, landing with a grunt.

"Hey, Dundee?" asked Scout, "What do ya think those are…?"

Scout pointed at a bunch of floating green lights.

"Ah, piss." Said Sniper as he turned around and ran the other way, Scout already a few feet ahead of him by the time the robots started shooting, "It's a damned good thing they ain't good shots!"

"You tellin' me, Dundee!"

They skidded left, escaping the bots narrowly, and entered a room that house a huge terminal with many flashing, lighted buttons. In the center of the room was a large armchair that had its back turned to them.

"I ain't letting him get away with this scene!" said Sniper as he fired an out of scope round at the chair, missing awkwardly, "Piss!"

"Need a little help there, Dundee?" asked Scout with honest concern

"Shut ya trap, wanker, I can make a shot from ten yards or my name ain't-"

A shot rang out, cutting through the armchair and into Scout's arm. Scout spun from the impact and landed, a small stream of blood flowing from his arm.

"Medic!" yelled Scout desperately as he writhed in pain. The chair turned and the rouge Engi revealed himself.

"Welcome, old friends." Said Engi as he smiled broadly from behind his black goggles, he looked at Sniper and his smile faded, "Hey, pal. Nice to see ya again."

Sniper kicked Scout back out of the room, "Do I know you?"

"What?" said Engi as he put just the slightest pressure onto the trigger of his pistol, "Don't tell me that the hunter has forgotten the 'one that got away'?"

Sniper's eyes widened slightly, but otherwise his face remained stoic.

"Darn shame, I was hoping to talk about when you shot my hand off." He revealed his other arm, a metal fake, "Good times! Actually this arm is what led me to realize how superior metal is to flesh. So give yourself a big ole round of clappin', because this war is your fault!"

Sniper squeezed the trigger at the same time Engi did, there was a metal clank and Sniper fell to the ground, a bullet in his shoulder. Engi laughed and pulled the bullet from his metal hand, which he'd used to block the shot that should have gone through his head.

"Piss poor show, mate!" said Sniper to himself with a chuckle, "Piss poor indeed!"

"Agreed, now die." Engi leveled his sights with Sniper's head, which was now devoid of a hat.

The door flew open and a baseball was hit in, colliding with Engi's metal hand, once again used to defend his face.

"You bettah start runnin', hardhat!" Scout ran inside, a bat in one hand while the other hung down uselessly, "Cause I'm gonna head butt ya!"

Scout flew through the air as Sniper got to his feet and pulled a jar from his pack. Sniper turned away for a moment and then turned back with a full Jarate. He smiled and walked past Scout, who had Engi restrained…and by that I mean Engi was unconscious and Scout was holding his forehead in pain.

"Why'd I head butt ya?"

Sniper walked past and looked at the glowing terminal. He laughed and smashed the Jarate onto it, watching the sparks erupt and grinning as the robots on the terminal's monitoring screens first powered down, and then started blinking red.

Engi opened his eyes and laughed, "Y'all've got 'bout thirty seconds before this place turns into the fourth of July!"

Sniper and Scout threw their arms over each other's shoulders and jogged to the hole they'd burnt in the roof. Scout wall jumped out easily, and stuck his bat into the hole for Sniper. A few seconds later, they were on the teleport pad, watching the first second of the explosion before their sight changed from white mixed with red to gray. Back at HQ.

"Hey kid." Said Sniper quietly, "'Ow's about we work together again sometime?"

Scout looked at his feet and then met Sniper's eyes strongly, "Only if you promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"Stay away from my Bonk!"

"Mate, I'd rather eat my hat, the one made out of a crocodile too, than drink that radioactive piss!"


End file.
